How it works ... about personal development consulting

You'll want to know how it works. What's involved in personal development consulting the Deeper Coaching way? Here is a detailed look at some of the background and some of the coaching approaches I use.

We then look at the simple daily exercises and practices that help to keep momentum between 1-1 coaching or 1-group coaching.

First and foremost is the need for an open, trusting relationship with excellent rapport. This will build with time, but a sound basis for effective work can be established very quickly. My free introductory session usually tells us in a few minutes whether we're going to 'click.' All consultations are confidential.

Personal development consulting works because:

• We have far more potential and capabilities than we currently use.
• We're blinded to our real potential as human beings by negative or disempowering beliefs we accepted as 'The Truth' as we grew up.
• We can uncover and re-visit these beliefs as skeptical adults, acknowledging that we now have a choice about what we believe is true.
• Becoming aware of our beliefs as 'beliefs' and not 'The Truth' immediately changes things: our personal gremlins are unmasked.
• We use emotions and bad feelings as a guide to where we need to focus our awareness, asking: "What did I choose to believe that makes me feel this way?"
• We now disempower the lies we previously believed. Lies only have power to control us if we choose to believe them.
• We choose positive, life affirming beliefs that enable our real self to express itself authentically.
• The empowering voice of our real self becomes a stronger and stronger force in a life that more and more powerfully expresses our limitless human potential.
• We get happier!

In a nutshell:

I mean ... isn't it about time? Don't you owe it to yourself?

Personal development consulting:
people and development

Every personal development approach has to take a position on questions like: "Who am I?" "What am I here for?" "How did I get stuck in this situation (that I don't like)?" "What do I need to change ... my situation or myself?" "Can I change?" and ... "How, (for goodness sake!)?"

Social conditioning

I heard a great metaphor at a seminar just this weekend:

Like Gulliver in Lilliput ...

... we're bound into place by innumerable 'agreements' we made when we were young and vulnerable.

To a child an angry parent (for example) can appear to threaten its very existence. Even the most loving homes have a welter of rules we need to learn in order to fit in.

Each time we gave way (remember, no blame attaches to this, it happens even when everyone is doing their best), we gave up a little of ourselves; we were tugged a little out of our natural shape.

In general, we learned that we were not OK as we were. We learned to submit to other peoples' image of how we ought to be. And then, we simply begin to see the world from that perspective.

We stop seeing our limitations as shackles that distort and constrain our authentic potential. We start to accept (or agree to) our limitations: 'This is who I am' and 'This is the way I am.'

In that case, the first role of personal development consulting is to help you become aware of all the ways that you learned to limit your self:

• "I'll never amount to anything ..."
• "Money runs through my fingers ..."
• "I'm not smart enough to be a ..."
• "I was so happy ... I knew it couldn't last"

Underneath the more specific agreements, are more all-encompassing, more destructive ones:

• "I'm unlovable ..."
• "I'm not good enough as I am ..."
• "I don't deserve ... hope ... happiness ... love ... peace"

Often my clients see their issues in others: "Everyone seems so sad these days ..." Everyone? No. We project our negative feelings on to others.

Our positive feelings, too: "John's such a dynamo!" That is implying ... "I am not a dynamo."

Often people's stories are more subtle than this.

Here is an example of what we might pick up on in a personal development coaching session. It is based on a character from Khaled Hosseini's moving story. You'll weep for Afghanistan - and her people. I learned so much more than from the TV news, but read it mainly for the compelling story and its rich characters. It's a hell of a book!

Personal development consulting: hunting self-talk

Great stories, with strong characters, can help you hold a mirror up to yourself. They can help you reflect on your own self talk.

In this extract, I found myself wondering: Why does she think that? Where did that idea come from? I also noticed how holding these thoughts was robbing her present experience of its magic and joy.

Amir has returned to war-torn Kabul, Afghanistan. There he has a conversation with an old man, now a beggar, who was previously a colleague of his mother in the university, Dr Rasul.

He soon reveals he knew Amir's mother. They had been colleagues in happier times. Amir's mother had died giving birth to him, so he never knew her. He is thirsty for details. The old man recalls a conversation they had during her pregnancy ...

I have added the emphasis to highlight the strong belief Amir's mother has. Does it sound like the truth to you, or more like a superstition? When you start to experience your own beliefs as your personal superstitions, you are starting to exert some control over them - rather than have them control you.

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Want to check out The Kite Runner (in N America) or if you're in the UK, click here: The Kite Runner (from Amazon UK).

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See how the belief she has about the fragile nature of happiness stains the joy she might otherwise feel about her pregnancy, about any feelings of happiness, about her life?

And see, too, how different Dr. Rasul's beliefs are. He just calls her idea 'silliness'.

The difference between the two is great. Who is 'right'? They both are - in their own minds and imaginations. This shows how we can suffer simply by believing our particular interpretation of how life unfolds as 'The Truth'.

I wonder, too, "Who are this mysterious 'They'?"

So, first point:

Does this brief quote help to convey how destructive negative beliefs and self-talk can be?

Second point:

Will reading this help you to become more sensitive to - and therefore more aware of - your own self-talk? Can you see where the facts ("I am pregnant, I am happy") stop ... and the beliefs or personal interpretations ("They will take something away from me") start?

Third point:

We all have a 'They'. These are the left-over voices of the lessons we were taught as were grew up.

Coach's roles in personal development consulting

As a coach, one of my main roles is to do just what I've done here: Stay curious about your story, and how you tell it.

My curiosity is guided by various frameworks and ideas that help sensitize me to the places in your story where we can exert maximum leverage for change.

I watch and listen for these intently. Usually they exist (and create their mischief) below your radar. But most people recognise them for what they are once they are unmasked. If you disagree, your view counts. I'm not here to provide some kind of expert analysis.

What else can I say about my role?

Curiosity is neutral, not critical or judgmental. When we think about our selves we're often our own worst critic. Well, we are both our own worst critic and our own most vulnerable victim! We play both roles.

In being listened to non-judgmentally, my coaching clients learn how to step back, to hold both judge and victim aspects of themselves in view.

Essentially, they learn to bear witness to the workings of their own mind without getting wrapped up in the bun-fight, for some maybe for the first time. This witnessing is important. Your witness becomes the focus of all your self awareness.

No witness - no self awareness.

Just imagine a state where you're 100% incandescent with rage. The energy of rage takes over (if you don't do rage, try another emotion: sadness, anxiety, regret, for example).

You're full of it, there seems to be no place for any other thoughts.

Now imagine that you become aware of those feelings. You have the strong feelings but now part of you is watching, taking note of the rise and fall of sensations, thoughts and feelings.

The part of you that watches, that bears witness, is no longer raging. It's behaving differently. Some of the energy that was invested in the emotions before is now invested in witnessing. As the witness grows stronger the out of control emotions lessen their grip.

So you start to have some control over what you feel. You have choices that don't exist when you are just full of emotion.

This process ultimately leads you to be able to say, "How would I prefer to feel?" Rather than be dragged around by emotions that are triggered by everyday events, your emotions follow your awareness.

To help with this I will:

• Press the pause button when I hear something that reveals buried, self-defeating beliefs.
• Draw your attention to them.
• Explore these beliefs with you.
• Help you to fully experience the hold they have on you.
• Reveal how holding them impacts on you, your life, the choices you make.
• Challenge the assumptions and self talk that reinforce them.
• Create the space in which you develop new, supportive beliefs.
• Help you work out actions you can take that reinforce those positive beliefs.
• Support you as you put your new beliefs into practice.

We often find that the momentum grows.

Think of the negative beliefs you have about yourself as bricks in a wall. The mortar holding the bricks together is your negative self-talk. First we find the loosest bricks and work them free. Pretty soon you can take out three or four bricks at a time. Next, the whole wall becomes unstable ... and topples over, revealing the shiny new you.

The difference is this new you is re-built to a plan you chose yourself!

Reinforcing personal development consulting sessions

As part of our work together, we will start to build a program of activities that reinforce your personal power. These programs are personally designed, based on what we discuss at your coaching sessions.

Activities are drawn from a variety of traditions, with the foundation being an appreciation of the human being as a mind-body-spirit-energy system. That might sound complicated!

Briefly there is more and more evidence to support the idea that mind and body interact, and that our fundamental regulating and healing system is an energy system.

So, we focus on both mind and body looking for clues to where and how we are leaking energy; or tying up energy in anxiety, fretfulness, repeating negative patterns.

These exercises are based on the three Toltec 'masteries': of awareness, of transformation and of intent.

Specific exercises may focus on:

• raising self-awareness by observing or witnessing
  
• exploring the life you have created
  
• intent - making a daily commitment; refusing to 'go against yourself'
  
• self-acceptance: starting from 'where you are'
• becoming aware of your 'domestication'
  
• mindfulness - paying attention to what's going on in your own mind
• paying attention to the quality of your self-talk: stories, judgements, opinions
  
• becoming more aware of buttons and triggers
• identifying limiting beliefs that create those buttons
  
• quiet times to reflect
• meditation
• simple movements and exercises
• rituals, ceremonies: intent and dedication
  
• personal development diary or journal work

• transformational learning: witness becomes a warrior for personal authenticity
• any of the above, plus
• re-capping your life
  
• questioning the life you have created
  
• committing to deeper change
• confronting negative beliefs - refusing to act on them
  
• supporting positive beliefs - taking action to reinforce the authentic, 'real you'
  
• breathing exercises to remove energy blocks

• acting with a warm heart in your world: conserving and creating positive energy
• any of the above, plus
• nurturing the inner fire
  
• living a life created by choice
• focusing on here and now as the only powerful, creative moment we have
  
• intent and surrender: allowing for chance and chaos
  
• surrender as freedom

Is that a journey that calls to you? Are you ready to shine?

I'd like to introduce you to the theme music for this site ...

I have frozen up my dreams, thinking I was all alone
Fighting every minute for each turning stone
I have reached rocket speed
I have touched the ground that feeds
Scaling fences, looking for the healing sun

In the end the thing that keeps me walking is your shine
Your shine in transmissions, your sign in decisions
Your shine when I labour to the new day
It's your shine, your shine, your shine
Shine
Shine on ...

Here's a studio version of the song, three and a half minutes of musical inspiration:



¡Qué tu sol sea brillante! "Shine on!!"

Like it? Want to check out the album on Amazon?  Amazon USA or Amazon UK.

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Where to next?

The next introductory article looks at finding the motivation to change - which can be scary. It doesn't have to mean growling louder at yourself! At best it's about finding out how to swim in the right river ... then go with the flow. Find it here at self motivation techniques.

Ready to stay in touch? Be the first to get free personal development tips, hear about  visiting teachers, workshops and seminars. Sign up for the free newsletter and free personal development resources at contact Deeper Coaching.

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